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Why don't vampires have any friends? Because they're a pain ..

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Why don't vampires have any friends? Because they're a pain in the neck.

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My dream job would be to clean mirrors. I could really see m..

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My dream job would be to clean mirrors. I could really see myself doing that.

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Why did the coffee call the police? It got mugged.

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Why did the coffee call the police? It got mugged.

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How do you get an astronaut's baby to sleep? You rocket.

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How do you get an astronaut's baby to sleep? You rocket.

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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you kno..

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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.

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What did sushi A say to sushi B? Wasabi!

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What did sushi A say to sushi B? Wasabi!

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A man walks into lawyer's office and asks, "How much for a c..

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A man walks into lawyer's office and asks, "How much for a consultation?" "Three questions for $150 bucks." "Kinda steep, isn't it?" "Yeah, now what's your last question."

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What do you say to your sister when she's crying? "Are you h..

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What do you say to your sister when she's crying?

"Are you having a crisis?"

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I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep tryin..

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I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

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Are you feeling cold? Sit in the corner, it is 90 degrees.

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Are you feeling cold? Sit in the corner, it is 90 degrees.

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My mate asked me to stop singing 'Wonderwall'. I said maybee..

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My mate asked me to stop singing 'Wonderwall'. I said maybeeeeeee.

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What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?“Rob..

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What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

“Robin, get in the car.”

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What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it..

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What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a windshield?

Its butt. 

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What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?It gets toad.

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What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?

It gets toad.

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I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation.Never again.

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I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation.

Never again.

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Parallel lines have so much in common.It’s a shame they’ll n..

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Parallel lines have so much in common.

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

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I threw a boomerang a few years ago.I now live in constant f..

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I threw a boomerang a few years ago.

I now live in constant fear. 

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Why did the chicken marry the crocodile?Because crocodoolado..

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Why did the chicken marry the crocodile?

Because crocodooladoo is a good family name. 

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Time flies like an arrow.Fruit flies like a banana. 

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Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana. 

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I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make..

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I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.

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My friend gave me his Epi–Pen as he was dying.It seemed very..

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My friend gave me his Epi–Pen as he was dying.

It seemed very important to him that I have it. 

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